Mother, I’m glad you’re taking this photograph; it will give you something to remember me by. You have clearly set me up on a date with a murderer. When you went to get the camera, he told me my hair smelled like daisies and melancholia. 

Mother, I’m glad you’re taking this photograph; it will give you something to remember me by. You have clearly set me up on a date with a murderer. When you went to get the camera, he told me my hair smelled like daisies and melancholia. 

Although I imagine that the touch of a human woman would come close. Of course, I’ll never know for sure. 

Although I imagine that the touch of a human woman would come close. Of course, I’ll never know for sure. 

He was notoriously bad at returning my stuff. 
In fact, he still had my Game of Thrones boxset. 
I was starting to think that Rex was a bit of an a-hole.

He was notoriously bad at returning my stuff.

In fact, he still had my Game of Thrones boxset.

I was starting to think that Rex was a bit of an a-hole.

You know he doesn’t trust you around other men.

You know he doesn’t trust you around other men.

I use this particular tub for collecting my own tears, but ladies, the world is really your oyster here. 

I use this particular tub for collecting my own tears, but ladies, the world is really your oyster here. 

Okay, my turn. Never Have I Ever… fantasized about someone in this room. C’mon Tex, drink that shot, he’s standing right over there.

Okay, my turn. Never Have I Ever… fantasized about someone in this room. C’mon Tex, drink that shot, he’s standing right over there.

Sweetheart, don’t take on so! The Nose-Eating Giant only comes for bad children! Like little girls who don’t bring Grandfather his pipe when he specifically requests it. Oh. Oh dear. 

Sweetheart, don’t take on so! The Nose-Eating Giant only comes for bad children! Like little girls who don’t bring Grandfather his pipe when he specifically requests it. Oh. Oh dear. 

Paid for by the Mittens Council of the United States.

Paid for by the Mittens Council of the United States.

Oh. I mean oh, wonderful! Jello for dinner again. 

Why Agnes, I don’t know how you always manage to get it into these intriguing shapes. Night after night.

Oh. I mean oh, wonderful! Jello for dinner again.

Why Agnes, I don’t know how you always manage to get it into these intriguing shapes. Night after night.

Oh Miss Featherstone, that’s another poor effort - 48 seconds and I’m sure there are lots of mistakes. Let me take a look.'Dear Mr Cartwright,' - well, that's wrong, that's my name - 'I would like to advise you to stick your stopwatch up your…'I see what you’ve done here.

Oh Miss Featherstone, that’s another poor effort - 48 seconds and I’m sure there are lots of mistakes. Let me take a look.
'Dear Mr Cartwright,' - well, that's wrong, that's my name - 'I would like to advise you to stick your stopwatch up your…'
I see what you’ve done here.

"Gosh, honey, I know you want to be a good wife and all, but doncha think you’re taking it all a little too far?"
"Hush, my angel, you know I promised your mother that you’d never lift a finger. Now, eat your tea and then I’ll carry you the bathroom."

"Gosh, honey, I know you want to be a good wife and all, but doncha think you’re taking it all a little too far?"

"Hush, my angel, you know I promised your mother that you’d never lift a finger. Now, eat your tea and then I’ll carry you the bathroom."

"Our next contestant in the Little Miss Arkansas pageant is Hester Furch! Now Hester, under Hobbies, you’ve put ‘Bow down before Beelzebub, the Father of Lies, the Son of Perdition. And volleyball.’ Would you care to expand on that?"
"I sure would, Jim."

"Our next contestant in the Little Miss Arkansas pageant is Hester Furch! Now Hester, under Hobbies, you’ve put ‘Bow down before Beelzebub, the Father of Lies, the Son of Perdition. And volleyball.’ Would you care to expand on that?"

"I sure would, Jim."